Your Difference Is Your Edge

For years I thought being the quiet, different one was a problem I needed to fix. It turned out to be the most valuable thing I had.

For most of my career, I was different.

I was a woman working mostly with men, in environments that were competitive and ego-driven. The voices around me were almost always louder than mine. And I am a quiet person, an introvert, someone who likes to think before she speaks.

For a long time, I was sure that was a disadvantage. I even thought something was wrong with me and that I should change.

I would look at the people who were leading, the confident ones, the loud ones, the ones who talked fast and took up space, and I decided that was what a leader was supposed to look like. And since I didn’t look like that, I assumed I wasn’t leadership material. I thought my quietness was something I had to fix.

Maybe you know that feeling. You are sitting in a meeting, you look around the room, and you realize you are the only one like you. The only woman. Or the quietest person at the table. And somewhere in the back of your mind, a thought shows up. Maybe I don’t really belong here. Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I lived inside that thought for years. So I want to tell you what finally changed it.

The meeting that changed how I saw myself

I was at a leadership off-site, doing what I always did. Mostly listening. Mostly quiet.

But in one of the sessions, I said something. I shared a perspective that was different from what everyone else in the room was saying. And I watched the faces. People turned and looked at me. They were surprised to hear me speak, and some were impressed.

After that meeting, one of the executives came to find me. He told me he really valued my perspective and he wanted to hear more from me. And it didn’t stop there. Every time I came to the headquarters after that, he made a point to meet with me.

It took me a while to understand what had actually happened. He didn’t notice me in spite of being different. He noticed me because I was different. I wasn’t adding another loud voice to a room that was already full of them. I was adding something the room didn’t have.

A room full of people who all think the same doesn’t need one more person who thinks the same. It needs you. Your difference is not the thing to apologize for. It’s your edge.

I saw it from the other side too

Later, as a leader, I watched the same thing play out at the level of a whole team.

At one of the companies I worked for, a lot of the people came from the same previous company. One person brought in someone they used to work with, who then brought in someone else, and so on. It became a tight-knit group of people who had all worked together before.

And there is a lot that’s nice about that. When you hire people you already know and trust, you get a great atmosphere and easy collaboration. The trust is already there.

But it took me a while to see the downside clearly. All of those people thought the same way. There was almost no diversity of thought in the room. And when everyone thinks alike, it is really hard to innovate, because you cannot come up with new ideas when every single person starts from the same place and nods at the same things.

Here is what I learned:

The magic does not happen in comfortable agreement. It happens in the heated conversation. It happens when someone in the room actually disagrees.

For years I felt uncomfortable in those moments, because I don’t like conflict, and most of us don’t. But I came to understand that the disagreement, the different opinion, the person who says “wait, I see this completely differently,” is exactly where innovation comes from. You just have to know how to hold that conversation so it stays about the ideas, not the egos.

So when you are the different voice in the room, and it creates a little friction, I want you to reframe what that friction means. It does not mean you are wrong, or difficult, or that you don’t fit. A lot of the time, it means you are bringing the team exactly what it was missing.

The trap most of us fall into

Here is what I see again and again, and what I used to do myself.

We try to lead by copying those who already have power. We think we have to be louder, faster, more aggressive, more like the stereotype of a leader. So we spend all our energy trying to become a copy of someone else, and usually a weaker copy, instead of becoming a stronger version of ourselves.

And if you are introverted, or quiet, or you like to think before you speak, that copying game is exhausting, and you will always lose it. Because you are competing on someone else’s terms.

Sound familiar?

What I actually want you to do

The hardest part is not believing this. It’s doing it. So here are a few things that helped me, especially as an introvert in rooms full of louder people.

Stop trying to be someone you’re not. The loudest, the most aggressive, whatever it is. That was never going to be your strength, and it doesn’t need to be. Your value is not in your volume. It’s in your perspective.

Get clear on what your difference actually is. What do you see that other people miss? Maybe you think about the long-term risk while everyone else is excited about the shiny thing. Maybe you notice the person on the team who is quietly struggling. Maybe you ask the question no one else is willing to ask. That is your angle.

If speaking up on the spot is hard, prepare one point before the meeting. Just one. You don’t have to talk the whole time. You need to say the one thing only you would say. And if it’s still hard, ask an ally to bring you in, use the chat or the raise hand button, or share your perspective afterward in a message. For a lot of us, it is easier to speak one-on-one than in a big group, and that counts too.

And when your perspective creates friction, don’t rush to smooth it over or apologize. Stay with it. Keep it about the idea, not the person. If someone challenges you, get curious and ask them what they are seeing, because the best way to challenge people is with questions, not arguments. Let the different views sharpen each other. Handled well, that friction is not a problem to manage away. It’s where the better answer comes from.

If you’ve ever felt like the odd one out

If you have ever felt like the odd one out at work. If you have ever thought your quietness, or your difference, was something to hide. If you are tired of shrinking yourself to fit a mold that was never built for you, I really want you to hear this.

The thing you think is holding you back might be the most valuable thing you bring.

So stop waiting to become someone else’s version of a leader. Start leading as yourself. This week, find one meeting and say the one thing only you would say. Then notice what happens.

I went deeper on all of this in my latest solo episode of From a Woman to a Leader. It’s a companion to my conversation with Marina Naomi Smolyanov, who drives innovation as a woman and an outsider inside one of the biggest healthcare systems in the world.

You can listen to the solo here:

And if you are reading this and realizing you have been shrinking yourself for a long time, you don’t have to figure out how to stop on your own. This is exactly the work I do with the women I coach, helping them lead as themselves and finally be seen for the value they bring. If that’s you, you can book a promotion strategy call with me here: https://limorbergman.com/coaching/

I would also love to hear from you. Reply and tell me about a time your difference turned out to be your edge.